Inspirational Mindfield

So I Have General Anxiety Disorder pt. 2

2.24.2011

Posted the first General Anxiety Disorder blog on the 22nd, and the reaction was incredible. So many people live with GAD, and all of their experiences are different. I was amazed at how open and honest people were being about how it’s affected them, what drugs they’re on, etc.

There are millions of reasons to bitch about the internet. Some say it cuts us off, adding to a sense of isolation. Well, my blog post is in direct contention with that theory. While sitting at my computer, typing up that blog, I don’t know that I’ve ever felt more alone. The GAD had my mind whirling, almost to the point where I was convinced I could feel the Paxil working its way through my system, taunting me with a plethora of possible side effects. But I pressed on, wrote up the blog, and hit ‘Post’.

The responses were nearly instant, and in that moment I no longer felt alone. I no longer felt like I was weak for needing drugs to start to even me out. I no longer felt ashamed that I can’t control my own mind. It’s ok because it happens to other people, too. People I call my friends.

Well I’ll be damned. Thank you, Internet.

Yesterday I was feeling pretty good. I started to get anxious thinking about when I take my next dose of Paxil.

Is it going to have the same side effect it the first night?
Will it be worse?
Will it affect me at work?
So on and so on.

Such is the power of GAD over the mind. But I recognized it early and got it in check. So what if the Paxil rips through my stomach again. Does it really MATTER? No. What matters is getting this thing under control. What matters is getting back to the me that I want to be. The me my family deserves. The me my wife thought she was marrying those long 13 years ago.

Besides, aren’t the best writers all a little crazy?

So I made it through my work day and went home, where my wife was in the midst of painting our bedroom. In the past, that kind of change was usually a trigger for my anxiety. Not that I knew it then, mind you. I just knew I didn’t enjoy change like that.

There was nothing wrong with the color of the bedroom, so why shake things up?
How much did all of that paint cost?
Can we afford it right now?
Are we going to have to buy more shit because the shit we have doesn’t match the new color?
And so on and so on.

But that didn’t happen last night (at least, not to the degree it normally would). I’m excited about the new color. It’s a fresh start… just like me. So I guess that’s progress, right?

I also picked up my prescription for Xanax last night. Because of a snafu with how my doctor wrote out the prescription (he screwed up the date on it) I couldn’t get it filled when I got my Paxil. Not a big deal. My dosage is up to 4 pills a day AS NEEDED. I like that AS NEEDED part. If I don’t have to take it, I don’t want to. But I also don’t want to wait until I can feel my mind start sprinting away from me to see how the Xanax is going to affect me. So, as a test, I took one last night.

It wasn’t a big deal. For the first hour or so after I took it I kind of felt like I was in slow motion. Everything around me was carrying on as usual, I was just a step or 2 behind. Not a great feeling, but not a terrible one, either. But then something else happened.

Amy and I got in bed and started talking about things. I was being my usual blabber-mouth, open book self, going through how all of this has made me feel over the last couple of days when I realized something – I was in a really good mood. I felt relaxed and at ease. My mind, which is usually whirling with thoughts faster than my comprehension can keep up, was calm. It was a pretty amazing feeling. I didn’t feel drugged, I didn’t feel like my emotions were deadened, I just felt… good.

I still don’t plan on taking the Xanax unless I absolutely HAVE to, but it’s good to know that if I need it, it’s there.

So that’s where I’m at today. I’m waiting for the therapist’s office to call me back and let me know if they’re taking new patients, and I’m feeling pretty good about things.